There is no escape from the pain!! For nearly 5 years I have had a constant throbbing, stabbing and pulsing pain in my right temple extending to my whole head frequently. It does not stop. Every waking moment is accompanied by this sensation.
Sitting on the couch this morning I realized I have tried all the usual ways of combatting it. Paracetamol, ibuprofen, amitriptyline, beta blockers, calcium inhibitors, magnesium, epilepsy drugs, antidepressants and a strict diet avoiding inflammatory foods such as wheat, tomatoes and beans. In this time I learned to meditate at least 5 days of the week and have a daily journal which helps me keep life in perspective. Nothing has helped the pain. Opioids are not an option as the medication I take for my multiple sclerosis (this has become worse since the pain started) is an opioid inhibitor, and my neurologist informed me it would probably make the pain worse.
Chronic pain has taken away my ability to concentrate on anything. The light coming through the window, standing up, noise, having an important conversation, are all ways of making the daily pain, worse. It is unavoidable. By evening it is always worse, and my mood can be volatile. The most minor of setbacks can be catastrophic. I cannot even go for a brisk walk to burn away my frustration as my mobility has also been reduced dramatically. Only the shortest walk is possible.
The medical system has no solution for my pain other than medicines which sedate me. Pills can dull the sensation, but they also take away your soul, your personality. Making me hollow, empty of anything, and eventually, dependent on their ability to numb, I would be a shell. Empty of life.
Maybe the time has come for me to try self medication. This could be alcohol, chocolate, food in vast quantities, or illicit drugs like marijuana or stronger, to change my perception of the world. I wonder if they could stomp the pain out of existence? Imagine a day of painlessness. Being able to think again without me flinching from the tsunami of pain which will inevitably arrive.
Then I think, will I be replacing my physical pain with something else? What are the consequences of following the path of temptation?
I don’t know.
The people around me would suffer, this happens, especially with alcohol, and stronger drugs. Would food hurt anyone but me? Would it work to mask the pain? I doubt it. Marijuana might, it is reputed to help many chronic pain patients, but it isn’t available, medically, in Ireland, yet. When it will be available I will need my neurologist to prescribe it, and maybe the script won’t be written. In the situation where I try it, and it fails, will I be addicted to its psychotropic effects? Would it be bad if it happened? I might have some respite?
My medical situation has stolen from me the ability to work, read, engage and live life normally. I fear I will lose all utility and become a burden. Would self medication help while the medical system tries to find a solution? It is very tempting. As every day passes, the thought gets bigger, the draw – stronger, and I would be like light trying to escape a black hole. Being sucked into the vortex with no hope of escape.
What should I do?