Meditation is my secret weapon against anxiety. It helps me overcome the knots in my stomach, and calm me.
I had to open the door on Tuesday morning while I was doing my meditation. The room had become too hot, and not because I had left the heating on by mistake. The sun had warmed the room, and it was with pleasure that I let the fresh summer air roll around the room. Bringing the smells of fresh-cut grass, and the sound of birds. These aroma’s and calls signify peace.
Despite this, my stomach was in knots. Anxiety had returned. This time it was my fault. I had put myself under pressure to do some work. The cost was for me to become stressed, and anxious. My stupidity and I also think greed for a feeling of usefulness.
So while I was meditating that morning, all these thoughts were rolling around in my head. Trying to make sense of my irrational anxiety. And it is irrational. Unnecessary, and I don’t need this fulfilment so desperately. It is like I am trying to be the person I was, not who I am. Requiring to accept that I am different, and the routine work that people do is beyond what I can complete, comfortably.
Overdoing it, again.
In the last two weeks I have worked, recovered, worked and recovered, and my body is calling me to stop and rest. Last Friday we had to travel to Limerick to see an eye specialist for our cat. It was a long day of driving, and even though I am using hand controls for the peddles, my leg was screaming in agony by the time we arrived home. It took all of Saturday to recover, and on Sunday I was driving another 5 hours. Just too much, and I am paying the price now.
Learning to adapt to this new ‘normal’ is hard sometimes. There are days, and weeks when I want the old me again, doing things, and not having to consider the impact on my health. Now, every decision is made with the awareness that if I don’t examine how the task impacts me physically and mentally, I will pay. There are days when I get so angry about this, but I have learned to step back from this anger. It is futile and damaging. My health is more important than any traditional work.
So now I have resolved (not for the first time) to manage what I do around how it impacts my health. This summer I will enjoy the warm days outside, sit down by the sea, and take a journal with me and draw, or write. To live in the moment. Maybe this creativity will help me accept this new ‘normal’ to which I am adjusting.
Apologies for no post last week, the trip to the vet for our cat flattened me, and then, as you now know, I took on more work than I should have. I hope to have learned this time.