Valentine’s Day was on Wednesday, and it is a day that we celebrate love, passion and bountiful emotion. Couples all over the world shared cards, flowers and romantic meals. This is the outward expression of how they feel about each other, symbolising this relationship with something close, intimate.
For nearly all my life I have controlled my emotions. Keeping a lid on them has been a way of keeping myself safe. As a young child, I suffered several severe asthma attacks. These always occurred around times of emotional overwhelm. Christmas, birthdays and celebrations all were events that could provoke an attack. I learned that to prevent a health precipice I had to puncture this inflation of feelings before the inevitable happened. I became an emotional zombie.
This is a double-edged sword. On the one side, it prevented my having an attack, but it also prevented me from truly expressing how I felt. Even not really allowing myself to bathe in the waves of excitement, passion or fear that accompany significant events. I had to protect myself. The problem with this is that it is like a volcano. Nothing is happening, my emotions are under control, and then a crack appears and suddenly everything explodes.
For someone, like me, that feels in control all the time, it is scary. This is a part of me that rarely surfaces, and when it does I don’t know what to do. Since my car accident, I have found that my ability to suppress my feelings has become less and less. I think the headaches have blocked my control, and as a result, I am now expressing fear, anxiety, sadness and love in a way that I never did.
I have been very lucky to have someone guide me through these feelings that I never allowed myself to feel. My partner is very good at expressing her emotions, and she has taught me to accept how I feel, and to show these feelings. I have laughed, and cried, with her. My heart at times feels like it will explode with love for this woman who is my partner in life. My steadiness (not as steady as it was) and her passion, has created a bond that is beautiful. This Valentines Day I got a handmade card and the joy I felt brought tears to my eyes. The ‘old’ Robert would never have allowed himself to be caught in such a Tsunami of emotion.
This is a journey that will have many unknown feelings for me. Fear of the unknown is a constant companion, but it will not stop me from continuing. The possibility that I will become more than I am now is so enticing that I have to continue on this path. It is even more exciting that I have someone to share it with. I wish that everyone could feel this. The world would be a better place. It has taken a physical trauma for me to learn this, I hope that this isn’t true for everyone.